Boyfriend in basic training started pushing me away towards the end of training?

[stacey101]

This may help,

"Family members and friends of the graduates are invited to the Graduation Ceremonies. The ceremonies take place on Thursdays at 2 pm in the HD-4 Building located at the Saint-Jean Garrison. Doors open at 12:30 pm, and guests must be seated no later than 1:45 pm on a first-come, first-serve basis. Parking spots are also available for the guests.

The ceremony is approximately an hour long and is followed by a reception for the graduates, their families and their instructors. After the reception, with their instructors' approval, graduates can go out for the evening with their families, but will have to return to the School no later than 9:30 pm.

The evening prior to the Graduation Ceremony, from 6:00 pm to 9:30 pm, with their instructors’ approval, graduates can welcome guests at the main building entrance and shall proceed to the O'Mega Mess or the cafeteria. Graduates may be granted permission to have supper in town.

A few weeks before the Graduation Ceremony, candidates will be informed of the procedure to gain permission to meet their respective families and friends for the evenings before and after the Graduation Ceremony.

What happens after the course?

A few weeks prior to the Graduation Ceremony, candidates will find out when and where they will have to report to their next training establishment. In most cases, graduates leave the day following the ceremony. In some exceptional cases and if the conditions allow it, graduates may leave with their families after the ceremony if they have received permission from their instructors.

The ceremonies take place at 2 pm in the HD-4 Building located at the Saint-Jean Garrison. Guests must be seated no later than 1:45 pm on a first-come, first-serve basis.

Dress
For civilians: business attire"

More info for family members and friends of the graduates:
http://www.forces.gc.ca/en/training-establishments/recruit-school.page

this helps A LOT! 
Thank you so much !

 

[stacey101]

stacey,

Something you have not shared (or maybe I missed it) is whether you have seen him in person since his Basic Training began.  Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. He has been under the influence of a peer group that you do not share, it has norms and ideas that you cannot know or understand regardless of your previous affiliation with the military.  At graduation, he will see you and you will have a chance to see how he really feels.  If he does not collapse into your arms then perhaps he is a little stronger from the basic training experience and you should just fall into his and take it from there.

Best wishes!

Sorry I just assumed that was a normal thing for basic training long distance relationships ( and no i havent seen him since as I was on the other side of the world volunteering with orphaned wildlife so we agreed to wait until November when we thought he was coming home for 2 weeks, now that 2 week break is christmas ) I am worried about the friend group he fell into for a few reasons, 1) he was never social unless he was with me or out for a drink with a co worker or two and 2) most of his friends are single.  Your advice is actually something im leaning on right now as his mom said the same. She went to the point of telling me to not message him if he doesnt message me even if it is for the next 3 weeks and see how he reacts at first sight because that will be his true feelings.

 

[mariomike]

this helps A LOT! 
Thank you so much !

You are welcome. I hope you both have a good great time. 

 

[Gunner98]

In my 30 years (now over) in the military with more than 12 years at training establishments as a student and staff member, long distance relationships were always interesting to observe and experience. 

I was able to see my then girlfriend throughout my Phase Training period over the course of two years.  As staff, I watched both male and female supporters of students be left at the gate even after travelling long distances to see them.  I also witnessed many relationships (including mine) that remained physical despite the love being long gone.

As others have said he is undergoing a period of change and growth, regardless he will not be the exact same man who left you several months ago.  He will continue to change with training and further absences.  Remember the analogies of the butterfly kept under glass or the fish living in a small bowl.  In all likelihood you have changed while he was away.  You will both have to get used to it or get off the train before the cycle begins again.

 

[stacey101]

In my 30 years (now over) in the military with more than 12 years at training establishments as a student and staff member, long distance relationships were always interesting to observe and experience. 

I was able to see my then girlfriend throughout my Phase Training period over the course of two years.  As staff, I watched both male and female supporters of students be left at the gate even after travelling long distances to see them.  I also witnessed many relationships (including mine) that remained physical despite the love being long gone.

As others have said he is undergoing a period of change and growth, regardless he will not be the exact same man who left you several months ago.  He will continue to change with training and further absences.  Remember the analogies of the butterfly kept under glass or the fish living in a small bowl.  In all likelihood you have changed while he was away.  You will both have to get used to it or get off the train before the cycle begins again.

I would of visited him on the weekends if flights weren't so expensive to get off the rock .  Being left at the gate... that is beyond depressing Im happy we both established weeks ago the 'accept the new life style/change or we can't do this' wagon. Like mentioned above, this literally went from a solid 2 months apart with him saying how much he was in love with me and how much he misses me to one night last week without warning this mess.  I think when I get there, i'll just throw myself at him and listen to his breathing ... he is a dead give away when he is over the moon kind of happy, unless training changed that haha! The worse that can happen is a cold fast hug in return.  But like I said, there will be a follow up the night of his grad, a depressing one or a happy one.

 

[CherryCherry]

Something that no one here is mentioning - immediately after the grad ceremony he won't be able to "fall into your arms" or even hold your hand while he is in uniform. I really hope everything works out for the two of you, just manage your expectations for his reaction on seeing you. Trust me, I wanted nothing more than to jump into my guy's arms when the ceremony was over ;D. And he's going to be exhausted, emotionally and physically. Grad day is a very long day for them and the culmination of everything they have been killing themselves for.

With that said, it really sounds like there is something he isn't telling you - you said it's not normal for him to not tell you things like where he's being posted. CFLRS is a different world, and Montreal can be a crazy place. I don't want to put thoughts in your head, because you really won't know until you know, and there's nothing you can do about it right now... Just try to be supportive of him however you can and however he needs you to be.

Best of luck - can't wait to read your updates!

 

[CherryCherry]

Things to expect:

• Traffic - depending on where you are staying, if you are driving or taking a taxi, it's always smart to give yourself extra time to get to the school
• Marching ... lots of marching
• At least one person is going to pass out
• Depending on how many commendations are being handed out at the same time, it might run longer than the hour
• I mentioned in your other thread, but your guy won't be able to hug, kiss, hold your hand, etc. while he is in uniform
• A crowded reception afterwards, maybe even a marriage proposal or two - personally, we ducked out as soon as we could to go to dinner and head back to my hotel room :nod: haha
• A lot of happy grads

 

[Eye In The Sky]

Something that no one here is mentioning - immediately after the grad ceremony he won't be able to "fall into your arms" or even hold your hand while he is in uniform.

And why is that? 

 

[stacey101]

Something that no one here is mentioning - immediately after the grad ceremony he won't be able to "fall into your arms" or even hold your hand while he is in uniform. I really hope everything works out for the two of you, just manage your expectations for his reaction on seeing you. Trust me, I wanted nothing more than to jump into my guy's arms when the ceremony was over ;D. And he's going to be exhausted, emotionally and physically. Grad day is a very long day for them and the culmination of everything they have been killing themselves for.

With that said, it really sounds like there is something he isn't telling you - you said it's not normal for him to not tell you things like where he's being posted. CFLRS is a different world, and Montreal can be a crazy place. I don't want to put thoughts in your head, because you really won't know until you know, and there's nothing you can do about it right now... Just try to be supportive of him however you can and however he needs you to be.

Best of luck - can't wait to read your updates!

I kinda figured the no hug/hand rule, shame :/
its hard not to put thoughts in my own head, but a couple of the hostile comments he's made the last week is making that hard. But i trust him... so im going to keep my chin up until Grad. 

He is no longer taking my support, or messaging. So over the next few weeks, i'm going in blind and expecting the worse because at this point i don't see this turning around as much as i want it too. But i'll update regardless of what happens.

 

[stacey101]

Things to expect:

• Traffic - depending on where you are staying, if you are driving or taking a taxi, it's always smart to give yourself extra time to get to the school
• Marching ... lots of marching
• At least one person is going to pass out
• Depending on how many commendations are being handed out at the same time, it might run longer than the hour
• I mentioned in your other thread, but your guy won't be able to hug, kiss, hold your hand, etc. while he is in uniform
• A crowded reception afterwards, maybe even a marriage proposal or two - personally, we ducked out as soon as we could to go to dinner and head back to my hotel room :nod: haha
• A lot of happy grads

At this point, im really hope we will be leaving the building still as boyfriend and girlfriend and thats if he'll want to leave with me.  Working myself up big time for this

 

[CherryCherry]

And why is that? 

from  http://www.forces.gc.ca/en/about-policies-standards-defence-admin-orders-directives-5000/5019-1.page

DAOD 5019-1, Personal Relationships and Fraternization

4. Operating Principles
Personal Conduct

4.1 CAF members in a personal relationship shall refrain from conduct that may be considered unprofessional in a military context. For example, a CAF member while in uniform in public with another person shall not:

    a.    hold hands;
    b.    kiss, except in greeting and farewell; or
    c.    caress or embrace in a romantic manner.

 

[Good2Golf]

from  http://www.forces.gc.ca/en/about-policies-standards-defence-admin-orders-directives-5000/5019-1.page

DAOD 5019-1, Personal Relationships and Fraternization

4. Operating Principles
Personal Conduct

4.1 CAF members in a personal relationship shall refrain from conduct that may be considered unprofessional in a military context. For example, a CAF member while in uniform in public with another person shall not:

    a.    hold hands;
    b.    kiss, except in greeting and farewell; or
    c.    caress or embrace in a romantic manner.

You forgot to set the context of DAOD 5019-1.  It refers to a personal relationship between two CAF members, or other variant of organizational/military relationship, not one between a military member and a pure civilian. [see below]

2. DEFINITIONS
...
personal relationship (relation personnelle)

An emotional, romantic, sexual or family relationship, including marriage or a common-law partnership or civil union, between two CAF members, or a CAF member and a DND employee or contractor, or member of an allied force.

 

[CherryCherry]

You forgot to set the context of DAOD 5019-1.  It refers to a personal relationship between two CAF members. [see below]

Oh I see. Maybe my guy is misunderstanding then, but he was told no PDA in uniform and I don't see any when I drop him off at dockyard every morning.

 

[Good2Golf]

Oh I see. Maybe my guy is misunderstanding then, but he was told no PDA in uniform and I don't see any when I drop him off at dockyard every morning.

The Divisional CPO could be being some kind of stickler using oblique references to a DAOD, but 5019-1 is about internal fraternization and member-member relationships.  The common-sense approach, including other references that I don't have on had at the moment, is to apply judgement to the situation.  Today, after the local Remembrance Day ceremony, I saw numerous serving CAF members holding their spouse's hand, from junior to senior members, as they walked away from the day's ceremony.  No RSM's head was exploding, note general furrowing their brow.  If a local Commander chooses to give specific direction that CAF members under his/her command are not to have any such interaction with spouses/children, I suppose they can, but I would seriously question such a commander's priorities if they were to "go hard" on such an issue.

:2c:

Regards,
G2G

 

[Eye In The Sky]

Oh I see. Maybe my guy is misunderstanding then, but he was told no PDA in uniform and I don't see any when I drop him off at dockyard every morning.

Morale of the story; people who aren't in the military should refrain from advising others on military regulations.

I hear all kinds of 'made up rules' that contradict actual published ones, and I give them the attention they deserve.  Common sense applies, of course, and people who ignore common sense and good, basic judgement are the ones who usually are the need for 'specific direction'.  I have, and will continue to, hold my wife's hand and kiss her good bye when I "am going out the door", even if that is at the AMU (aka for an extended duration).

I'd likely have a colorful and creative reply for anyone who felt the need to interrupt me in the middle of a good-bye in that instance.

 

[stacey101]

Morale of the story; people who aren't in the military should refrain from advising others on military regulations.

I hear all kinds of 'made up rules' that contradict actual published ones, and I give them the attention they deserve.  Common sense applies, of course, and people who ignore common sense and good, basic judgement are the ones who usually are the need for 'specific direction'.  I have, and will continue to, hold my wife's hand and kiss her good bye when I "am going out the door", even if that is at the AMU (aka for an extended duration).

I'd likely have a colorful and creative reply for anyone who felt the need to interrupt me in the middle of a good-bye in that instance.

Thank you for clearing that up!  I guess the 'see if he melts' test can go ahead

 

[Eye In The Sky]

Common sense applies, of course, and people who ignore common sense and good, basic judgement are the ones who usually are the need for 'specific direction'. 

This part is important.  There is also the aspect of professional conduct while in uniform/the public.  If he is uncomfortable holding your hand, etc just remember he is just finishing BMQ and may not want to 'take a chance'.

Modest, tasteful respectful PDA is okay.  Remember the common sense aspect.  :nod:

* editted for better choice WRT wording.

 

[stacey101]

This part is important.  There is also the aspect of professional conduct while in uniform/the public.  If he is uncomfortable holding your hand, etc just remember he is just finishing BMQ and may not want to 'take a chance'.

Modest, tasteful PDA is okay.  Remember the common sense aspect.  :nod:

Absolutely, i was always nervous just kissing him when he'd visit me at work when my job was beyond...normal LOL
just going have to take it all in after... and if.... he allows us to take him into town after.

 

[CherryCherry]

Morale (FTFY) of the story; people who aren't in the military should refrain from advising others on military regulations.

To be fair, I just grabbed the specific reg off a quick Google search to verify my point. That point being, someone above my husband told him there was no PDAs while in uniform. I realise this is the Internet, but why would I make that up?

 

[runormal]

To be fair, I just grabbed the specific reg off a quick Google search to verify my point. That point being, someone above my husband told him there was no PDAs while in uniform. I realise this is the Internet, but why would I make that up?

For what it is worth I was told the same thing on my reserve basic. Thanks for posting this cherry otherwise I wouldn't of known.